Why god makes it hard on me day by day?
I would've drunk all the drugs in the world if that is the solution I must choose. I can't take it anymore. My quest is pointless. Whining is never good but the embarrassment will never be cured. I hope that I won't disturb anyone anymore unpleasantly if I have to die any sooner--especially to the people closest to me (which number is approaching zero). I hope that it will make a huge difference in this world if someone could realize how bad it is for an individual like me, suffering like me. Perhaps, the uncountable sum of virtual friends would give me a pinch of relief. It perfectly hides my solitariness. Ironically, no matter what I do, I will always be alone in the 3D reality. Forever.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Should I?
Yesterday, I chatted with my mom. I said I got nothing to do. Then my mom told me to draw something. And then, I asked why. She said, firstly, she knows that I love drawing so much (my passion since 5 years old), and secondly, I could make it as a gift. Hurmmmmm... Well, I doubt if he or she would appreciate my work since I'm really not a professional artist. huhu...
Oh no, boredom hits me again.
Oh no, boredom hits me again.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
For some reasons...
Hi Madam Moon,
Thank you for greeting me, "Goodnight sweetie" with your magnificent fluorescent visage. Though we are thousands kilometers apart, I could still reach your warmth, your cordiality. :) I hope you will accompany me for the whole night long--till I close my eyes sleeping soundly. To some people, they may criticize about your hideous closed-up imperfection (may be it could scare them in their brief night repose or anything similar) , but to my naked eyes, you will always be the most beautiful creation eternally. I shouldn't care if it's not mentioned in the Malay simile as in "cantik laksana bulan dipagari bintang" which means as beautiful as the moon surrounded by stars. So, hello gorgeous!
I think I haven't written anything much for a month. Today, I woke up at 8.++ in Ck's room, then, ran down to my house, listed in my head what needed to be completed for the day (house chores) and bla bla bla. At 11 ++, somebody knocked my door. A quick assumption told me that the person could be my CA (community advisor) or a maintenance guy or a neighbor. He or she pounded my house door for so many times which brought me such an uneasy feeling. "Sibuk jer pepagi buta." In 30 seconds or so, I shouted, "Hold on a second!" since I'm not in an appropriate attire thus, grabbed my long jeans. Hurmmm.... Then, hurriedly peeped through the eyehole and realized that nobody was there. What a scam again... (this seriously is not the first time) chettt... "Ngada2 tahi unta betul!". After that, I continued what I was supposed to do.
Hours later at 3++, my friend came, wanting to have a look at Yudof's Club Room. So, I came out to let him in (entering Yudof). As my door creaked open, I noticed something egghead about me. I laughed at myself. My absent-mindedness is just crazy. I left my house key stuck in the keyhole outside. No wonder, someone disturbed my peaceful morning by pounding the door leaf strenuously. "Merepek je kan".
Owh... in the evening, I went to Midway to shop at Walmart and Dollar Tree. To end the chilling evening, I got a Coffee Toffee and Potato with Broccoli and Cheese at Wendy's by using my 25 bucks Wendy's Gift Card. Frankly speaking, I'm not an official aficionado of brewed coffee but I believe my taste bud's custom has changed a lot since the first day I came to the States because I remember, while I was in my home country a couple of years ago, the aroma of coffee (in whatever forms) nauseated me if it is served early in the morning. I'm a no-no fan of milk Nescafe but now I could drink cups of milk coffee per day especially cappuccino and mocha. I'd like to profess that whenever I dined out (mostly dinner) with my family, I usually ordered nestlo (mocha sibling) or teh tarik (milk tea or known as chai in Hindi or shay in Arabic) or Horlicks but I never started my day with milk coffee. Why ah??? Too many Starbucks, Dunn Bro's and the gang I guess. Not forgotten, currently after my trip to Canada, I'm deeply in love with Tim Hortons. I love everything about Tim's (from coffees to the donuts) Haha...
Thank you for greeting me, "Goodnight sweetie" with your magnificent fluorescent visage. Though we are thousands kilometers apart, I could still reach your warmth, your cordiality. :) I hope you will accompany me for the whole night long--till I close my eyes sleeping soundly. To some people, they may criticize about your hideous closed-up imperfection (may be it could scare them in their brief night repose or anything similar) , but to my naked eyes, you will always be the most beautiful creation eternally. I shouldn't care if it's not mentioned in the Malay simile as in "cantik laksana bulan dipagari bintang" which means as beautiful as the moon surrounded by stars. So, hello gorgeous!
I think I haven't written anything much for a month. Today, I woke up at 8.++ in Ck's room, then, ran down to my house, listed in my head what needed to be completed for the day (house chores) and bla bla bla. At 11 ++, somebody knocked my door. A quick assumption told me that the person could be my CA (community advisor) or a maintenance guy or a neighbor. He or she pounded my house door for so many times which brought me such an uneasy feeling. "Sibuk jer pepagi buta." In 30 seconds or so, I shouted, "Hold on a second!" since I'm not in an appropriate attire thus, grabbed my long jeans. Hurmmm.... Then, hurriedly peeped through the eyehole and realized that nobody was there. What a scam again... (this seriously is not the first time) chettt... "Ngada2 tahi unta betul!". After that, I continued what I was supposed to do.
Hours later at 3++, my friend came, wanting to have a look at Yudof's Club Room. So, I came out to let him in (entering Yudof). As my door creaked open, I noticed something egghead about me. I laughed at myself. My absent-mindedness is just crazy. I left my house key stuck in the keyhole outside. No wonder, someone disturbed my peaceful morning by pounding the door leaf strenuously. "Merepek je kan".
Owh... in the evening, I went to Midway to shop at Walmart and Dollar Tree. To end the chilling evening, I got a Coffee Toffee and Potato with Broccoli and Cheese at Wendy's by using my 25 bucks Wendy's Gift Card. Frankly speaking, I'm not an official aficionado of brewed coffee but I believe my taste bud's custom has changed a lot since the first day I came to the States because I remember, while I was in my home country a couple of years ago, the aroma of coffee (in whatever forms) nauseated me if it is served early in the morning. I'm a no-no fan of milk Nescafe but now I could drink cups of milk coffee per day especially cappuccino and mocha. I'd like to profess that whenever I dined out (mostly dinner) with my family, I usually ordered nestlo (mocha sibling) or teh tarik (milk tea or known as chai in Hindi or shay in Arabic) or Horlicks but I never started my day with milk coffee. Why ah??? Too many Starbucks, Dunn Bro's and the gang I guess. Not forgotten, currently after my trip to Canada, I'm deeply in love with Tim Hortons. I love everything about Tim's (from coffees to the donuts) Haha...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Humming Alone by the Window Pane
Sun rays come down as seen when they hit the ground,
Children spinning around till they fall down down down.
I wait for you: it's been two hours now,
You're still somewhere in town,
Your dinners getting cold.
I rest my case you are always this late,
And you know how much I hate waiting around 'round 'round,
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside,
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.
And then you come and tell me the same reason as you did yesterday,
So tell me whats her name.
Doo doo da dum, doo doo da dum, doo doo doo doo doo doo da da dum dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum.
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is just getting a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine.
Just forget it. Soon I'll discover by myself why it's worth to do so even though it's not as simple as it sounds.
Children spinning around till they fall down down down.
I wait for you: it's been two hours now,
You're still somewhere in town,
Your dinners getting cold.
I rest my case you are always this late,
And you know how much I hate waiting around 'round 'round,
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside,
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.
And then you come and tell me the same reason as you did yesterday,
So tell me whats her name.
Doo doo da dum, doo doo da dum, doo doo doo doo doo doo da da dum dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum.
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is just getting a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine.
Alvida
Is this the end?
Like one of my friends said "it's the sound of silence".
The sound of silence signifying nothing.
Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know... so-so maybe...
I'm glad if you could continue smiling.
Like one of my friends said "it's the sound of silence".
The sound of silence signifying nothing.
Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know... so-so maybe...
I'm glad if you could continue smiling.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
~pAsT TimEs~
As I watched the Ugly Truth, my mind strayed away from the movie. I admit that it is a sarcastic play for a girl like me. Play with your imagination. Haha... a straightforward explanation behind one's intuition. Everyone has his or her own charm and nobody's perfect. What is the intertwisted sophisticated notion told in Men from Venus and Women from Mars mentioned by Gerard Butler? It's an idiosyncrasy for one who has too much dependence on one writer. O... crap...
The day before, I spent almost the whole day wrapped in my yellow blanket, reading a love novel entitled Until You by Judith McNaught. This novel is actually my I-dunno-who-she-is super senior's. Instead of standing stacked on my cabinet, it should be flipped through by myself to kill the ample monotonous time. Furthermore, I was totally free for Thursdays. Revolving around 1800++, this inimitable story has a subtle approach--a cultural collision of two huge continents (North America and Europe). The lady, an American governess who happens to be a representative for the run-away bride, accidentally has a temporary mind loss due to an English Earl's carelessness. It's like "jatuh ditimpa tangga". Unluckily, no one even knows her identity and everyone thinks that she is the bride. The Earl who unintentionally kills the groom before the governess arrival, feels guilty for both of his undeliberate sins. Hence, he takes care of her (whom he thought to be the bride) and as time goes by, his special feeling grows even deeper and deeper.
Does this story still exist today? I don't think it's relevant for the current context. Dreaming on... huhu... That's why it's called fictional... duh...
Owh... yesterday, I watched the Proposal with my friends for the second time in my room. What I could summarize is that, both movies that I watched this week have one obvious similarity. Both of the heroins are control freaks--Sandra Bullock and Katherine Heighl. Other than that, in my opinion, Heighl and Gerard Butler are compatible to be together. Maybe I like Heighl in Grey's Anatomy and Butler in P/S I Love You. Simply cute cute cute...
The day before, I spent almost the whole day wrapped in my yellow blanket, reading a love novel entitled Until You by Judith McNaught. This novel is actually my I-dunno-who-she-is super senior's. Instead of standing stacked on my cabinet, it should be flipped through by myself to kill the ample monotonous time. Furthermore, I was totally free for Thursdays. Revolving around 1800++, this inimitable story has a subtle approach--a cultural collision of two huge continents (North America and Europe). The lady, an American governess who happens to be a representative for the run-away bride, accidentally has a temporary mind loss due to an English Earl's carelessness. It's like "jatuh ditimpa tangga". Unluckily, no one even knows her identity and everyone thinks that she is the bride. The Earl who unintentionally kills the groom before the governess arrival, feels guilty for both of his undeliberate sins. Hence, he takes care of her (whom he thought to be the bride) and as time goes by, his special feeling grows even deeper and deeper.
Does this story still exist today? I don't think it's relevant for the current context. Dreaming on... huhu... That's why it's called fictional... duh...
Owh... yesterday, I watched the Proposal with my friends for the second time in my room. What I could summarize is that, both movies that I watched this week have one obvious similarity. Both of the heroins are control freaks--Sandra Bullock and Katherine Heighl. Other than that, in my opinion, Heighl and Gerard Butler are compatible to be together. Maybe I like Heighl in Grey's Anatomy and Butler in P/S I Love You. Simply cute cute cute...
Dreaming
Where to start eh? Lemme think... This week has been a total melange. "Dah macam abc da". Last Thursday, I dreamed about Armageddon... sounds so scary huh? It's surreal but it caused me a constant pain for the wholeeeeeeee night. It woke me up at 4 a.m. and my heart throbbed so fast even worse than being in the Tower of Terror in Disneyland, Florida (my biggest fear is free fall straight from the top). I was about to cry too due to the horrifying moment. This time, the eerie aliens have 99.999% similarities with the "Alien vs. Predators". They have a dozen of tentacles and segmented metallic bodies like anthropods. I hate alien movies but I don't know how it could disturb my slumber land since the movies are lame, freaking lame CGI creatures. Nonetheless, this is not my very first time to encounter such dream--I've dreamed about getting up and realizing that the sun came from the West, hideous monsters attack from my window pane and also how the Earth has become so topsy-turvy (crushed mountains, brutal hurricanes, neverending thunderstorms which are exactly like the description in my religion class). However, every time I just feel the same way. I'm so unprepared to face the Judgment Day.
Too many predicaments that have been well-elaborated but none of them turns out to be true. When I was in primary school, rumors of the famous Nostradamus's foretelling spread like "goreng pisang panas" aka hot banana fritters. The shrewd guy predicted that the earth was going to be destroyed in July sometimes in 2005/2006. Huhu... I already forget the specific year. I think my dad still keep the "Mastika" magazine in my Muar house.
Hurmmmm... On the other hand, for my happy dreams, I've never been in chronological logical truths for example in an organized storyline and bizarre settings. Everything seems weird. How could I say??? It's so like Doraemon cartoon and its "Pintu Suka Hati". Chaotic anecdotes. Fantasy land. The strangeness about the happy dreams is that I could barely recall them as detailed as the nightmares. I tend to forget at instance. So instantly like a quarter of an hour after getting sober. I wish that I could conjure up all beautiful plots. haisyyyy...
Too many predicaments that have been well-elaborated but none of them turns out to be true. When I was in primary school, rumors of the famous Nostradamus's foretelling spread like "goreng pisang panas" aka hot banana fritters. The shrewd guy predicted that the earth was going to be destroyed in July sometimes in 2005/2006. Huhu... I already forget the specific year. I think my dad still keep the "Mastika" magazine in my Muar house.
Hurmmmm... On the other hand, for my happy dreams, I've never been in chronological logical truths for example in an organized storyline and bizarre settings. Everything seems weird. How could I say??? It's so like Doraemon cartoon and its "Pintu Suka Hati". Chaotic anecdotes. Fantasy land. The strangeness about the happy dreams is that I could barely recall them as detailed as the nightmares. I tend to forget at instance. So instantly like a quarter of an hour after getting sober. I wish that I could conjure up all beautiful plots. haisyyyy...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Hari ini ku membebel lagi...
Siapa pemberi ilham buat "exam" ek? Eeee... rimas betul. Bayangkan kalau dalam dunia nie tak de "exam". Belajarrrrrrrrrrr jer... belajar tue seronok sebab dy "bestttt". tapi "exam" tak pernah seronok. ada ke "exam" seronok? hurmmm... ntah... Hari "exam" membuatkan perasaan cuak terlampau. Tak senang duduk, makan ikut suka hati tak kiza la terlebih banyak ke atau tak cukup makan. sistem pencernaan dan penghadaman pon terasa semacam. tak tau kenapa. "maybe" "exam" ada "super power". "magic" kot. tapi tue la. sampai skg daku nie susah utk menjadi manusia yang aktif kegiatan malam seperti orang lain. susah nyer mau menjadi "nocturnal". Pukul 12 je da kiok. Selain itu, paling tak suka 'exam' yg kena kira2. padahal tekan2 "calculator" je tapi gelabah nyer hanya tuhan yg tahu. benda yg senang pon bole jd susah. yang susah apetah lagi. tue tak campur "careless mistake" dan kehebatan dalam menyonteng kertas. sebabnyer, tak suka anta kertas kosong wlupon tak reti. ala, dlm dunia betul pon macam la kena jawab semua soalan tue dlm masa pendek cam tue. tp tue la keistimewaan pergi sekolah. kalau tak pergi sekolah tak jumpa da 'exam' nyer. tak gitu? benda paling tak syok adalah tgk "result exam". benda paling menarik dan suka hati pon sebab tgk "result" exam". Kalau gempak, sehari tue mcm rasa dunia 'ana' yang punya. Kalau tak, rasa nak tanam muka jer. Daku tau yang daku nie bukannya anak orang kaya, bapak ada "firm" sendiri, bole keje dengan bapak bile da beso. Daku juga tau, daku tak de aset berjuta-juta lemon. Duit pon sekupang dua je. Tu pon sumer nnt akhirnya abis kat "shopping" dg "travel" yang tak seberapa. Untuk hidup mewah dan senang kita harus berusaha. Nak terlibat dalam "white collar crime" pon kena ada ilmu. melainkan ada yg terlebih bernasib baik dan rezekinyer da tertulis begitu. Yer kawan-kawan, kesimpulannye, marilah berusaha ke arah kejayaan. Berusaha, berusaha! gambatte na! :D
Sunday, July 19, 2009
My Little Cutie Pie
Hi beautiful sunny :),
She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. When I’m in her house’s bed, she will greet me "Good morning, Zati!!!" joyfully with her squeaking voice and she's first thing I see every time I wake up early in the morning. I like to pat her back and to sing her lullabies until she falls asleep even though I actually croak like a toad. Well, I'm not going to enter the American Idol so who cares...I never get tired (I only meet her once in a while) of listening to her mumbling with her own pidgin. "Zati, look at this... Zati look at that... This is a pwincesss miwwor! Never mind, we can twy next time... Oucchhh, it hurts, Zati..."
Months ago, she was not as chatterbox as she is currently. I still remember her limited two vocabularies when she first came here—“bedon" aka balloon and "sezuk" aka cold. I could barely decipher her weird jargons, nonetheless, now she could talk and sing the U.S. top chart songs (i.e. Poker Face and Boom Boom Pow) like pop corns popping in a pot ceaselessly when she's with her parents or when she's at home. JUST at home... Probably she's too shy when she's out. I'm clueless about where she learns all those words. She doesn't come to school and she doesn't have a lot of friends. May be they come from Barney's or other TV programs but don't tell me that she learns from her favorite mute show, Pingu. Hoho... :) Absurdity comes to my mind each time I'm wondering how she could giggle and grasp the gist of all these mute penguins' actions. After all, I'm very proud of her adroitness compared to other kids at her age. She could differentiate all alphabets, shapes and numbers fluently. She could also spell her own name out loud, A-D-A-N-I.
I treat her like my own lil' sister even though I don't have any real little ones due to our close age gaps. Back then, when I was in my "kampung" aka village, I always be the baby sitter. I don't know why. Obviously seen, it's just like a family trend to have kids at the same time, so, everyone (my aunties and sometimes my older cousins) ended up delivering their babies almost in the same month by only few days’ difference. Usually there were like four aunties from my dad's side. Did they plan for this? Haha... May be I should count other external factors as well since my dad has a biggggg family. "Orang dulu2 nie mmg semua anak ramai kot." Thus, during Eid Celebration, I was like in a party of babies (imagine if all of them cry simultaneously) and girls and boys who were slightly mature (teenagers) would be asked to take care of small cousins when their mummies were busy cooking or "rewang" in the kitchen. Heh??? Does my face have the criteria of a babysitter? heeeee... How unlucky I am. haha... I should adopt a baby one day. J
In a nutshell, I miss my family gatherings (supremely Eid Mubarak) so much and Adani is my quick cute remedy. Definitely, I’m gonna miss her soon. Love you Dani... Mwwuahhh...
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